Hello, Hormonal Rollercoaster

Sometimes I cant help but feel so. fucking. alone. It's like everybody I've come to associate myself with is in  Planet Friday Night Fun and Happiness. And Im here, stuck in my own boring, lonely world. And it sucks. Not only does this feeling suck but the fact that Im actually feeling this way is suckish too. Did I even make sense there? I just dont want to feel like Im missing out on something, that one day I'll wake up and disappear and people wont remember me. That's the scariest shit of all.  Ok, this is basically an incoherent post about my feelings but so what? It's not like anybody I know in real life is going to find this place anyway. It's actually a bittersweet thing. A part of me wants people to see how Im not 100% put together. Im basically a crumbling mess that just wants someone, ANYONE to be my glue that keeps me together. But then the other part detests such vulnerability. I dont want people thinking Im weak, incapable and so fuckin insecure about myself.  I dont want them looking down on me. I have enough of myself doing that already...


OK FUCK THIS. STOP THE FUCKIN NEGATIVITY.

This is beyond PMS. Then again, what do you expect from someone who's bleeding "down there" for more or less a month now. Ugh.

Dear God, 

You have been so gracious to me but instead of being grateful, Im acting like a temperamental brat.  

I took those entrance exams just for the sake of it. Not because it was in any of my plans to ever go to those schools. Sure, I may have dreamed. But it was always just that, a dream. I mean, who would even expect that when result day came, I'd pass every last one. The top 3 universities used to seem to unconquerable.  Honestly, I just want to brag to the whole world. But no, I wont. Regardless of what others say, I have no right.


Because here I am with opportunities others would beg to have but instead, Im letting my own fears get in the way of pursuing what I want. Whatever that want may be. As a result, I end up blaming my parents. Im pissed at them for being the reasons why Im stuck in that school with that course. I'm semi-mad at them for not saving up for MY college.  BUT, I know that's just the disappointment and denial speaking. Because I know for a fact that it's. all. me.  


It's me who's scared of venturing into a course that none of my relatives even dared to try. It's me who's hiding behind the excuse of too expensive tuitions and expenses. It's me who's settling for just this. It's me. 


 The cards are laid down. Yes, their in my favor. But here I am, letting my worries and fears get in the way.  So as much as Im proud to have passed, Im disheartened with myself, with these slots that should go to someone else. Someone who's willing to risk it all for their dreams. Someone who apparently isnt me.


Im sorry for being this way. But maybe it's You trying to tell me that decisions like these shouldnt be made with me alone, that it shouldnt be all about MY plans, that sometimes being too controlling of the future is a bad thing. Instead, I should have faith. I should hope that You would lead me in the right path. I guess all Im asking is for some guidance, some sign that THAT is the path for me. And at the same time, I ask for courage because I seem to have none of this as well. 

I dont get why Im so affected with what C said during lunch. She believes Im those type who has everything going for them that's why I havent tried to truly suffer for something.  But the thing she said that's been resounding on my mind is this:

I have a feeling you're going to be one of those persons that when hit with such a huge problem, will probably commit suicide

I dont get why it's bugging so much. She's one of those friends I can count on for the truth. Maybe that's why, maybe because it was true. Maybe because I agree with it. Partly. But still. She has a point.

Ive realized how grateful I should be for a not-so-hard life. Sure I encounter bumps, bruises, tears and deep shit, but in the end, God never gave me anything I couldnt handle...

WAIT. HOLD ON.

That's it. God never gave me anything I couldnt handle! It's not that Im living too smooth of a life but instead, it's because God got me through all the rough patches. And if He managed to take me this far then I should really put my trust on him more that all these dilemmas of the future will work out. Because isnt that the real issue here? How Im just so afraid of how things would turn out? That they may not go the way I expect them to? Yeah, C may be my right but Im going to prove to her and most importantly to me that no matter what happens, I WILL NOT GIVE UP. I WILL HAVE FAITH IN GOD'S PLAN FOR ME. I WILL MAKE IT. 

for once, Im going face the truth

I'm sick and tired of this version of my self. I honestly and truly am. And the worst part? i cant even seem to stop myself. freaking facade. That's what youre all getting. Im an emotional wreck. And the last sentence? Yeah, that was an exaggeration. For just this moment Im going to type down what I truly feel:

I am tired. I'm tired of always complaining about my life and my ways but in the end, I take no step to change it. It frustrated me how hard this all is. Because what Im just writing are words, and until I manage to get my ass of the floor, hands of this keyboard then no, no change is going to happen. I 'm tired. I'm tired of pretending to be someone Im not. Then again, who was I to begin with?  All these masks I've been putting all, all those times I tried to conform to what a certain person wants me to be at that moment, all these acts. They have overshadowed who I am. But again, I repeat, who was I to begin with? Am I supposed to be this pessimist? this cynic who's forever doubting the world but still hope to see some faith in people?  Why is it so hard for me to show some care? How did I end up being so cold? Am I the one...acts as if she's being watched all the time, that she always has to put on this act. And in the process, it's taking over who she is. Am I the girl that has lost all sense of being genuine to the point where she's not even sure if she still knows how to be?  Am I this boring person who tries so hard to entertain people because I'm so afraid to be forgotten? that even alone, I cant be myself anymore?  Im confused how I can type something with so much confusion and emotion with nothing but a blank look on my face. But I guess all these would make me conclude this: I am an overthinker. This I am sure of. This is soemthing I actually want to keep hold of because it's the only thing I can describe myself right now. Like truly describe who I am. I am an overthinker and I am lost. And maybe, maybe Im just overthinking everything. 

Drowning

I've realized that whenever I feel troubled, I tend to drown myself. Not exactly with water. It could be me excessively using the internet or drowning myself in a world of sound or gorging on food or even with iced tea (which technically is water).   But either way, I do feel like Im doing this on purpose not only so I could "drown" myself but my problems as well.  This however doesn't work. Sure, for a fleeting moment it made me feel "fine" but in the end, I'm still here and so are my problems.  Problems that I single-handedly created. Problems that I cant just keep running away from. Lately, instead of doing something,  I've been wasting my time complaining to other people about them. I complain, I vent, I let them give me advice.  Though they're good and their intentions are well, that wont really help me at all unless I help myself. And I can't just keep drowning myself in their company. I know that. I'm aware. Aad I have to do something

Dear eL,

I can't believe this is actually happening. I can barely sleep all thanks to you. Memories from the last month keeps returning to my mind. The way you'd follow me around, how you'd annoy me to death, when you carried my bag for me even when I told you not to, how the end of the day would lead to a string of your goodbyes, how I didn't think much of any of it all back then.
Now, you won't even talk to me or look me straight in the eyes. And I don't know why it's affecting me so much. I guess it bothers me how it suddenly stopped. Without a warning, you decided to ignore me. At first I believed Im only craving for your attention again, and maybe I am. But as the weeks passed by, your name keeps spilling from my mouth. And though I don't have any guts to tell you this and you may not believe me even if I did but, I miss you. 
I dont get why your doing this, or more importantly, why now? Why didn't you just ignore me from the start like how you always did? Among all the people, who knew it would be you who would leave me feel so hanging? I know I have no right whatsoever, and I probably have more things to worry about but I cant help myself. Is this karma?
You know how they said you don't know what you've got until it's gone? Well I havent felt this much for someone in a while and dang you, dang me. So here I am, waiting for you to make the first move, waiting for nothing. 


Wishing things would be like before, 
Me

Eventually it will be the end of me

Though I took a break today, I am far from being relaxed. Actually, I'm dying here. I can't take this anymore. And the worst part is, I have no one to blame but myself. All the things I've been putting off is and has started to catch up with me. I'm paying the price for procrastinating on my responsibilities. One of which is our feasibility project for physics. What I thought would be a mere submission of our title turned out to be a long debate for him not to scrap our proposal. And since I did not see this coming, I had no concrete research to back us up. Now I'm in such a mess. I keep running away from it all only to end up face to face with my problems, my self-made chaos.  I'm letting every one down these days.  But what's worst is me being unable to trust God with all of this. What happened to my relationship with Him? When did I turn to distant and self-righteous? I don't know what to do anymore. And I have nothing but this blog to take it all out on. 


and after I post this, I have to continue faking smiles and pretending I'm all right