for once, Im going face the truth

I'm sick and tired of this version of my self. I honestly and truly am. And the worst part? i cant even seem to stop myself. freaking facade. That's what youre all getting. Im an emotional wreck. And the last sentence? Yeah, that was an exaggeration. For just this moment Im going to type down what I truly feel:

I am tired. I'm tired of always complaining about my life and my ways but in the end, I take no step to change it. It frustrated me how hard this all is. Because what Im just writing are words, and until I manage to get my ass of the floor, hands of this keyboard then no, no change is going to happen. I 'm tired. I'm tired of pretending to be someone Im not. Then again, who was I to begin with?  All these masks I've been putting all, all those times I tried to conform to what a certain person wants me to be at that moment, all these acts. They have overshadowed who I am. But again, I repeat, who was I to begin with? Am I supposed to be this pessimist? this cynic who's forever doubting the world but still hope to see some faith in people?  Why is it so hard for me to show some care? How did I end up being so cold? Am I the one...acts as if she's being watched all the time, that she always has to put on this act. And in the process, it's taking over who she is. Am I the girl that has lost all sense of being genuine to the point where she's not even sure if she still knows how to be?  Am I this boring person who tries so hard to entertain people because I'm so afraid to be forgotten? that even alone, I cant be myself anymore?  Im confused how I can type something with so much confusion and emotion with nothing but a blank look on my face. But I guess all these would make me conclude this: I am an overthinker. This I am sure of. This is soemthing I actually want to keep hold of because it's the only thing I can describe myself right now. Like truly describe who I am. I am an overthinker and I am lost. And maybe, maybe Im just overthinking everything. 

Drowning

I've realized that whenever I feel troubled, I tend to drown myself. Not exactly with water. It could be me excessively using the internet or drowning myself in a world of sound or gorging on food or even with iced tea (which technically is water).   But either way, I do feel like Im doing this on purpose not only so I could "drown" myself but my problems as well.  This however doesn't work. Sure, for a fleeting moment it made me feel "fine" but in the end, I'm still here and so are my problems.  Problems that I single-handedly created. Problems that I cant just keep running away from. Lately, instead of doing something,  I've been wasting my time complaining to other people about them. I complain, I vent, I let them give me advice.  Though they're good and their intentions are well, that wont really help me at all unless I help myself. And I can't just keep drowning myself in their company. I know that. I'm aware. Aad I have to do something

Dear eL,

I can't believe this is actually happening. I can barely sleep all thanks to you. Memories from the last month keeps returning to my mind. The way you'd follow me around, how you'd annoy me to death, when you carried my bag for me even when I told you not to, how the end of the day would lead to a string of your goodbyes, how I didn't think much of any of it all back then.
Now, you won't even talk to me or look me straight in the eyes. And I don't know why it's affecting me so much. I guess it bothers me how it suddenly stopped. Without a warning, you decided to ignore me. At first I believed Im only craving for your attention again, and maybe I am. But as the weeks passed by, your name keeps spilling from my mouth. And though I don't have any guts to tell you this and you may not believe me even if I did but, I miss you. 
I dont get why your doing this, or more importantly, why now? Why didn't you just ignore me from the start like how you always did? Among all the people, who knew it would be you who would leave me feel so hanging? I know I have no right whatsoever, and I probably have more things to worry about but I cant help myself. Is this karma?
You know how they said you don't know what you've got until it's gone? Well I havent felt this much for someone in a while and dang you, dang me. So here I am, waiting for you to make the first move, waiting for nothing. 


Wishing things would be like before, 
Me

Eventually it will be the end of me

Though I took a break today, I am far from being relaxed. Actually, I'm dying here. I can't take this anymore. And the worst part is, I have no one to blame but myself. All the things I've been putting off is and has started to catch up with me. I'm paying the price for procrastinating on my responsibilities. One of which is our feasibility project for physics. What I thought would be a mere submission of our title turned out to be a long debate for him not to scrap our proposal. And since I did not see this coming, I had no concrete research to back us up. Now I'm in such a mess. I keep running away from it all only to end up face to face with my problems, my self-made chaos.  I'm letting every one down these days.  But what's worst is me being unable to trust God with all of this. What happened to my relationship with Him? When did I turn to distant and self-righteous? I don't know what to do anymore. And I have nothing but this blog to take it all out on. 


and after I post this, I have to continue faking smiles and pretending I'm all right

Dayum

When I saw you were online, my heart skipped a beat. I can't believe I'm falling into this again. This whole  thing where all the teasing gets to me and then I start craving for the attention, your attention. But when I do get it, I find it a nuisance to my life. Ha-ha. Is it so wrong to like the affection I'm getting and not on the one giving it? It could be because my crush is in another section and crush and I don't really get to hang out often anymore. And crush (as great as he is) doesn't flirt with me like you...Does this even make sense???

But I know all your flirting is nothing serious. At least I hope it isn't.  I just hope I don't regret riding with it.   Dude, I can't have time for this, I have a pile of schoolwork waiting for my attention...

On the verge

When I arrived home today, I suddenly felt the weight crashing down. The pressure from all the school work, me being a horrible mayor, all the reprimanding, my friends being down, the projects, the shit PLUS my mom being in a pissy mood made the dam close to collapsing. I decided to hold the waterworks until the family left for dinner. I stayed home. I was in no mood for mingling and laughing. I just wanted to be left alone and sulk...and cry it all out.

But before all that, I decided to be obedient and feed my hunger. And well, after all the random nonsense with the helpers and listening to some music, I feel better. As much as I want to let it all out, the tears arent resurfacing anymore. Though I'm not totally fine and my emotions still feel like a roller coaster ride, I will get through this.

Look who's back?

It's weird how we go back to the place where we started. I guess it's just the comfort of it all, that nostalgic feeling. I left my blogspot to move to Tumblr (which is something I have no regrets what so ever)  but lately, too many people have been dropping by there...those that know me in real life. And well, it sort of took away the security I had.  Pretty awkward to post higly-personal shit things there only to be read by the very people I see everyday. So here I am, escaping to this more-secluded place.A place for the more serious stuffs.  And you can bet only the trusted and few will know. Or maybe no one at all ...