Tuesday, December 27, 2011

for once, Im going face the truth

I'm sick and tired of this version of my self. I honestly and truly am. And the worst part? i cant even seem to stop myself. freaking facade. That's what youre all getting. Im an emotional wreck. And the last sentence? Yeah, that was an exaggeration. For just this moment Im going to type down what I truly feel:

I am tired. I'm tired of always complaining about my life and my ways but in the end, I take no step to change it. It frustrated me how hard this all is. Because what Im just writing are words, and until I manage to get my ass of the floor, hands of this keyboard then no, no change is going to happen. I 'm tired. I'm tired of pretending to be someone Im not. Then again, who was I to begin with?  All these masks I've been putting all, all those times I tried to conform to what a certain person wants me to be at that moment, all these acts. They have overshadowed who I am. But again, I repeat, who was I to begin with? Am I supposed to be this pessimist? this cynic who's forever doubting the world but still hope to see some faith in people?  Why is it so hard for me to show some care? How did I end up being so cold? Am I the one...acts as if she's being watched all the time, that she always has to put on this act. And in the process, it's taking over who she is. Am I the girl that has lost all sense of being genuine to the point where she's not even sure if she still knows how to be?  Am I this boring person who tries so hard to entertain people because I'm so afraid to be forgotten? that even alone, I cant be myself anymore?  Im confused how I can type something with so much confusion and emotion with nothing but a blank look on my face. But I guess all these would make me conclude this: I am an overthinker. This I am sure of. This is soemthing I actually want to keep hold of because it's the only thing I can describe myself right now. Like truly describe who I am. I am an overthinker and I am lost. And maybe, maybe Im just overthinking everything. 


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