Friday, September 28, 2012

Hello, Hormonal Rollercoaster

Sometimes I cant help but feel so. fucking. alone. It's like everybody I've come to associate myself with is in  Planet Friday Night Fun and Happiness. And Im here, stuck in my own boring, lonely world. And it sucks. Not only does this feeling suck but the fact that Im actually feeling this way is suckish too. Did I even make sense there? I just dont want to feel like Im missing out on something, that one day I'll wake up and disappear and people wont remember me. That's the scariest shit of all.  Ok, this is basically an incoherent post about my feelings but so what? It's not like anybody I know in real life is going to find this place anyway. It's actually a bittersweet thing. A part of me wants people to see how Im not 100% put together. Im basically a crumbling mess that just wants someone, ANYONE to be my glue that keeps me together. But then the other part detests such vulnerability. I dont want people thinking Im weak, incapable and so fuckin insecure about myself.  I dont want them looking down on me. I have enough of myself doing that already...


This is beyond PMS. Then again, what do you expect from someone who's bleeding "down there" for more or less a month now. Ugh.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Dear God, 

You have been so gracious to me but instead of being grateful, Im acting like a temperamental brat.  
I took those entrance exams just for the sake of it. Not because it was in any of my plans to ever go to those schools. Sure, I may have dreamed. But it was always just that, a dream. I mean, who would even expect that when result day came, I'd pass every last one. The top 3 universities used to seem to unconquerable.  Honestly, I just want to brag to the whole world. But no, I wont. Regardless of what others say, I have no right.

Because here I am with opportunities others would beg to have but instead, Im letting my own fears get in the way of pursuing what I want. Whatever that want may be. As a result, I end up blaming my parents. Im pissed at them for being the reasons why Im stuck in that school with that course. I'm semi-mad at them for not saving up for MY college.  BUT, I know that's just the disappointment and denial speaking. Because I know for a fact that it's. all. me.  

It's me who's scared of venturing into a course that none of my relatives even dared to try. It's me who's hiding behind the excuse of too expensive tuitions and expenses. It's me who's settling for just this. It's me. 

 The cards are laid down. Yes, their in my favor. But here I am, letting my worries and fears get in the way.  So as much as Im proud to have passed, Im disheartened with myself, with these slots that should go to someone else. Someone who's willing to risk it all for their dreams. Someone who apparently isnt me.

Im sorry for being this way. But maybe it's You trying to tell me that decisions like these shouldnt be made with me alone, that it shouldnt be all about MY plans, that sometimes being too controlling of the future is a bad thing. Instead, I should have faith. I should hope that You would lead me in the right path. I guess all Im asking is for some guidance, some sign that THAT is the path for me. And at the same time, I ask for courage because I seem to have none of this as well. 

Thursday, January 5, 2012

I dont get why Im so affected with what C said during lunch. She believes Im those type who has everything going for them that's why I havent tried to truly suffer for something.  But the thing she said that's been resounding on my mind is this:
I have a feeling you're going to be one of those persons that when hit with such a huge problem, will probably commit suicide
I dont get why it's bugging so much. She's one of those friends I can count on for the truth. Maybe that's why, maybe because it was true. Maybe because I agree with it. Partly. But still. She has a point.

Ive realized how grateful I should be for a not-so-hard life. Sure I encounter bumps, bruises, tears and deep shit, but in the end, God never gave me anything I couldnt handle...


That's it. God never gave me anything I couldnt handle! It's not that Im living too smooth of a life but instead, it's because God got me through all the rough patches. And if He managed to take me this far then I should really put my trust on him more that all these dilemmas of the future will work out. Because isnt that the real issue here? How Im just so afraid of how things would turn out? That they may not go the way I expect them to? Yeah, C may be my right but Im going to prove to her and most importantly to me that no matter what happens, I WILL NOT GIVE UP. I WILL HAVE FAITH IN GOD'S PLAN FOR ME. I WILL MAKE IT.