Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Dear God, 

You have been so gracious to me but instead of being grateful, Im acting like a temperamental brat.  
I took those entrance exams just for the sake of it. Not because it was in any of my plans to ever go to those schools. Sure, I may have dreamed. But it was always just that, a dream. I mean, who would even expect that when result day came, I'd pass every last one. The top 3 universities used to seem to unconquerable.  Honestly, I just want to brag to the whole world. But no, I wont. Regardless of what others say, I have no right.

Because here I am with opportunities others would beg to have but instead, Im letting my own fears get in the way of pursuing what I want. Whatever that want may be. As a result, I end up blaming my parents. Im pissed at them for being the reasons why Im stuck in that school with that course. I'm semi-mad at them for not saving up for MY college.  BUT, I know that's just the disappointment and denial speaking. Because I know for a fact that it's. all. me.  

It's me who's scared of venturing into a course that none of my relatives even dared to try. It's me who's hiding behind the excuse of too expensive tuitions and expenses. It's me who's settling for just this. It's me. 

 The cards are laid down. Yes, their in my favor. But here I am, letting my worries and fears get in the way.  So as much as Im proud to have passed, Im disheartened with myself, with these slots that should go to someone else. Someone who's willing to risk it all for their dreams. Someone who apparently isnt me.

Im sorry for being this way. But maybe it's You trying to tell me that decisions like these shouldnt be made with me alone, that it shouldnt be all about MY plans, that sometimes being too controlling of the future is a bad thing. Instead, I should have faith. I should hope that You would lead me in the right path. I guess all Im asking is for some guidance, some sign that THAT is the path for me. And at the same time, I ask for courage because I seem to have none of this as well. 


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